1. Avoid Curtains
If you plan to spy on a conversation, as one does at Elsinore, never hide behind the curtain. Then one might mistakenly stab you, suspecting you are another. If you ever consider it, Polonius may come back to warn you against it.
2. Feign Madness Judiciously
When in doubt, act a little mad. It mostly worked for Hamlet. Just don’t go overboard. Talking to skulls is acceptable, but arguing with furniture might raise a few eyebrows. Just be sure to talk to a few ghosts before you go all in.
3. Consume Nothing
When offered a drink at court, politely decline. People seem to have a penchant for poisoning goblets. Also be sure to never accidentally take a drink from the goblet meant for the crazy prince. It didn’t work out so well for his mother.
4. Marry Wisely
Preferably not your brother’s wife with a vengeful son, an heir whose father died under suspicious circumstances, or your dead husband’s brother whose hobbies are murder and espionage.
5. Watch Your Back
Literally. Spies are everywhere. Always assume someone is behind the tapestry, under the table, or disguised as a chair.
6. Mind the Mousetrap
Be careful around any plays or performances. THey are likely meant to expose truths. If you find yourself watching a play that has a plot mirroring your life, try not to look to guilty.
7. Never Trust an Uncle
Especially one that becomes king shortly after your father’s death and takes your father’s wife. Actually, you probably shouldn’t trust your mother in that circumstance either. Just in general, never trust anyone.
8. Be Careful About Your Soliloquies
Claudius learned this lesson the hard way. Although it is safer to keep away from this Elsinore tradition, if you choose to partake, be sure your enemy/nephew with an Oedipus complex is not listening in.
9. Beware of Friendly Courtiers
If anyone shows a hint of interest in you or your well-being, he or she is a spy. Even if they seem trustworthy, the aforementioned suspicious uncle might have them in his service.
10. Accept That It’s Impossible
If Hamlet’s father, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencratz, Guildenstern, Queen Gertrude, Laertes, King Claudius, and Hamlet himself all die, then who is remaining? The only two characters who stay alive are Horatio and Fortinbras, and Fortinbras was not even in Elsinore. Your best shot at survival is to get away as soon as possible.